Forgive me, it’s far too late…

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I am very shaken at the moment. I’ll be listening to Frightened Rabbit to sleep tonight. I wrote about their album in December…. about how much their music meant to me and got me through some dark times in 2017.

I’ve been following the news regarding thqeir lead singer, Scott since it came out two days ago. He’s been dealing with mental health issues, was reported missing, and since then…his fans have been waiting for good news. I’ve been refreshing my news feed since…just waiting, hoping he’s okay.

Tragically, they found his body tonight. What’s even more tragic, is that it feels like this self fulfilling prophecy. He wrote the song, Floating in the Forth in 2007.

And fully clothed, I float away. Down the forth into the sea. I think I’ll save suicide for another day…” 

They found his body near Forth Road Bridge. I wish we had listened closer. That song describes everything he was possibly feeling and going through the night he passed. It’s beyond gut wrenching.

I know I’ve spoken about artists who left us because of depression, but this one feels different. This one hurts so much. That dark period I went through still feels very fresh, and this band feels like this close friend that guided me through it.

There were nights where I felt paralyzed, days where I was grieving a lost love one, moments where I would have bad flashbacks of past traumas, all while getting through another heartbreak from someone (yes, all at the same time)…this band was there for all of it. Not a lot of people I know knew them, so in this odd way, they felt like mine.

They weren’t this huge group like Linkin Park and he wasn’t this famous musician like Chris Cornell. He was this very normal, very real guy, from the UK who wrote songs that helped him cope with depression. A lot of them were sad, and a few were funny. If you’ve dealt with depression then you know it isn’t always wallowing and crying…it’s also cynicism, sarcasm, and making fun of yourself. Scott captures the reality of it all too well. Even his band name…”Frightened Rabbit.” It was what his mom called him because of how timid and shy he was growing up. And of course…because of the anxiety.

He wasn’t this larger than life figure like Kurt Cobain, but a normal guy who was relatable. His music felt so real. He was the type of guy who would probably grab a pint of beer with you after a show or have a jam session with you in your garage. God, he even did a Sofar show last fall! That is how down to earth he was. He was part of the Sofar family…..

He was good friends with Aaron Dessner (of The National. It’s how I discovered Frightened Rabbit…He helped produce their last album), Julien Baker and all these other small groups I listened to from the indie alternative community. His music always felt so personal to me because of this. Their small fan base felt like family and anytime I found out someone I knew listened to them, I would automatically feel this bond, or this weird connection. Listening to their music right now feels so raw. Two nights ago he posted what would be his last tweet…

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For the last two days, I’ve been reading pleas from family, friends, fans, and fellow musicians…begging him to come home, telling him that he’s not alone. A hotline specifically for him was even created…urging him to call. Letting him know that it’s annonymous….basically to just check in and let everyone know he’s alive. His brother said he was possibly headed to Edinburgh. He urged everyone in that area to keep a lookout.

It turns out, he was found only a few miles away from the hotel he was staying at…at the south end of that bridge. It’s so devastating watching all of this unfold. My heart is so broken right now.

I never got to see them live, but I’ll be thinking of him when I see The National this fall. I’ll think of him on the 22nd and listen to their music. Just like I did on the 22nd of May last year, when I was in the woods trying to feel something…all while I Wish I Was Sober played in the background. I don’t know what path I’ll be walking or view I’ll be looking at that day, but I’ll be sure it’s somewhere beautiful…and that their music will be there.

Apparently it’s Mental Health Awareness month, and if he only knew how much his music really meant to people like me, we would have heard something different tonight. Depression is very real. If you suspect that someone is suffering, don’t wait until a breakdown happens. Reach out to them now. Hug them and let them know they’re not alone.

And if you’re reading this, and are dealing with issues of your own, get in touch with me. I don’t care who you are. A stranger, a friend, someone from my past…get in touch. I would love to listen and help out in any way I can. I’m always here…

I’ve been reading so many messages from the outpouring of fans all night. Just reading similar stories as mine…from people who have suffered from depression…how this band helped them in some way, it is sad yet beautiful.

Sad because as much as he helped us…it feels like we weren’t able to help him…someone who went through the same struggles we did and still do. But then again beautiful…seeing how much his words really did accomplish what they were meant to do. To let people know they weren’t alone. This serves as a tragic reminder that yes, those who help people also need help themselves…trust me, we do.

Rest in Peace, Scott Hutchinson. Your music helped me and countless others. You got me through many dark endless nights where I didn’t think I would make it. Your music was there when I didn’t really have anyone to turn to…when I was too embarrassed and ashamed to ask for help. It really feels like I just lost a good friend. Wherever you are, I hope you know that…

May is a very sad month…

 

I cannot stop listening to Childish Gambino’s, This is America. It’s been on repeat for the last three days. Donald Glover is possibly THE most talented artist of my generation.

There is so much social commentary on it and everyone I know is analyzing the video to death…but I just have to say, after all those terrible tweets last week and someone saying that “slavery was a choice”…this song is beyond refreshing.