Sigh, I have no idea how to bounce back from the most disappointing news I got today. Things have felt like they’ve been moving in a more positive direction and suddenly, everything just crashed again.

Seriously do not know how to get up from here. Biggest lesson, which I usually have followed but for some reason, chose not to this time around…is never get excited for anything. It will just leave you incredibly disappointed. I don’t know why I thought it would be different this time…

Sometimes, moments like these feel like a reminder from God that good things can’t happen to me. That bad luck is all there is. Don’t quite understand it…

Sigh, anyone want to get out of town? Let’s just drive for hours on end…

Despite this, I can’t help but feel happy for my sister and her family. They’re finally moving into a new place this weekend after struggling for years. Although I’m glad they’re moving out and moving on, I can’t help but think of all the crazy memories at that apartment…good and bad. Weekends hanging out there, drinking with friends and laughing, watching the kids get older, it’s bittersweet. With that said, moving party this weekend.

It truly is the end of an era…

 

 

For My Geeky Family

So, this weekend is gonna be kinda bittersweet for us. As I’m sure you know, my family and I are pretty geeky when it comes to Marvel. We each have our favorites and get pretty into it. Lol, it’s to the point where even my love life gets wrapped into it haha. I was seeing this one guy over the summer who wasn’t into Marvel let alone movies in general and God, my 12 year old niece was so baffled.

All she could ask over and over was… “Why do you even like him then? What’s so great about him?” And when that ended all they could say was…”Well, he wasn’t even a Marvel fan, so it wouldn’t have worked out anyway.” Ridiculous, right? They take this pretty seriously. So, if you don’t like Marvel…that’s a major red flag for my family.

Anyway, since New Years day, we’ve been watching a movie a week in order of release date which leads up to the final week being the day that Infinity War drops. It’s been a pretty fun bonding experience for us. Some of our friends have even joined in. So, if you’ve been watching with us…or want to one last time, come over this weekend! We’re playing catch up with two (Homecoming and Ragnarok) and ending with Black Panther this Sunday. We’re pretty bummed that this weekend is the last we’ll have in the living room, but it’s been really fun.

So, in light of IW being released next week…here are some of my predictions/hopes. If you haven’t been following the MCU, every movie has pretty much lead up to this one… ending their “first phase.”

1. A lot of them will die. This is kind of a given. My predictions are Cap (I am going to have a melt down when he does!), Hawkeye, Vision, and Thor…and possibly one of the Guardians (noooo!).

2. Bucky will become the new Captain America. This is so sad for me…and if anything I wish Falcon would take over…but if they follow the comics, it’ll be Buck. God, I am gonna be so devastated when this happens. Cap is my first love.

3. This one is more of a hope, but God, please let it happen. Loki HAS to die a hero. I know he’s such a villain but I can’t accept that he stays on the dark side after everything. He has to redeem himself. If I had it my way, he would die protecting his brother. I will be pretty bummed if Loki dies evil.

4. If Tony Stark dies (honestly, it’ll be sad, but he’s an acceptable loss for me lol. I can’t stand him), Dr. Strange will be Peter Parkers new mentor.

(Funny story…I finally saw Dr. Strange for the first time a few weeks ago after one huge failed attempt when the movie first came out. I thought I would hate it based on the fact that I was super bored and left the first time I saw it…but seriously, I’m glad I gave it a chance. The way they emphasize the idea of life being just a blimp in time…it’s pretty deep. Definitely liked it more than I thought I would).

5. This one isn’t an Infinity War prediction, but a Spiderman one. Ugh, this makes me sad and it’s probably not going to happen for another few years, but Peter’s going to die young. If they follow a certain story line in the comics, Miles Morales will take over. If you’ve seen Homecoming, Miles is the nephew of Donald Glover’s character. He wasn’t seen but mentioned. Why would Childish Gambino even be in it if they weren’t following that storyline? Sigh, if and when this happens, I don’t know what I’ll do.

 

So, those are it for now. I’m pretty sure a lot of these won’t happen until the second one which comes out next year…but brace yourselves people! A lot of them are going to die and my family and I are going to be complete messes.

Anyway, with our marathon coming to an end…I guess I have to say thanks, Marvel. I’ve had some pretty shitty moments this year, but that one night a week I got to spend with my family always gave me that much needed happiness. And for those who make fun of our obsession…it’s more than just comics to us. It brings people together. Just look at Black Panther. They broke millions of records and really became this light for underrepresented people. Lol, you can even say that the hand gesture for Wakanda has become a sign for resistance.

That’s what’s so great about movies. It really brings people together. As shitty as the world can be, Marvel really brought us into this universe to escape the stresses of life, even if it’s just for a few hours. So again, thanks Marvel!

ONE MORE WEEK UNTIL INFINITY WAR, PEOPLE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

“I wear black on the outside because black is how I feel on the inside…” -The Smiths

Because I need all the luck in the world this week (and I hate posting selfies on Instagram). This is my “before the anxiety” look. Let’s hope I look and feel the same by the end of the day!

 

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I think I’m rediscovering Sufjan Stevens again. I used to love him a lot when I was in college all those years ago. Michigan, Seven Swans, Illinois…all three of those albums were the soundtrack to riding my bike on campus, driving home on the 101, having those moments where I would just stare at the ocean during golden hour (guys, UCSB was heaven). But then, I abruptly stopped.

I kinda blame this dumb guy I met a few years after college. We were both working in San Francisco and the city became our playground. We had this really amazing connection. What I thought was him being “different” were ultimately signs of a brooding fuckboy. His favorite book was ‘On the Road,’ by Kerouac, his favorite movie was ‘The Motorcycle Diaries,’ the best time of his life was driving cross country, he spent half a year in India “finding himself,” he worshipped Nietzsche, and of course…he was a musician. Such a stereotypical brooder.

However he was from NYC and was only in SF temporarily. He ended up moving back but before he left, he got us tickets to see Sufjan in New York…which meant I had to visit.

After he left, I heard all of these awful things about him. He basically lied point blank to me over things I had questioned him about. It hurt really.

I ended up going to NYC like we had planned, but I never got in touch with him while I was there. The last time I saw him was the day he left SF. I don’t know what he ended up doing with the tickets…but that was the moment I completely stopped listening to Sufjan. To the point where I even forgot he existed. So unfortunate considering how great he is.

What’s funny, is that this is the same guy who bought me my first ever vinyl…Elliott Smith’s ‘Either/Or.’ He introduced me to most of his music which is odd because I was somehow able to disassociate him from Elliott. Elliott is mine. There’s only one song from Either/Or that reminds me of him but that is all. He has no association with Elliott…thank effing God! And if anything…people will associate him with ME! Haha kidding kidding.

Anyway, back to Sufjan. When we lost someone in our family last year, I would constantly listen to Death with Dignity which really helped me cope. If you haven’t heard the song, it’s about accepting death and realizing that “every road leads to an end.” I would listen to this song on those long drives visiting him in the Bay Area.

There’s something about watching someone slowly die that will forever affect you. You really have to come to terms with death, especially if it’s cancer…because you’re literally watching someone slowly transition from this life to the next. It’s one of the most difficult things…watching them deteriorate but giving them that dignity to live out their last days properly…despite how weak and frail they are. This song captures all of that so well. Coincidentally, after my brother in law passed away, Sufjan released the music video which follows three people living with cancer. It really hit home.

Then I read this memoir called, “My Lovely Wife at the Psyche Ward,” which broke my heart. In the book, the author referenced Sufjan so much. How his music helped him get through these awful periods when his wife would go mad. If you’ve ever loved someone who has suffered from a mental illness, this book is for you. As hard as it is to read at times, listen to Sufjan while you do…just as the author who lived it did.

Then…Call Me By Your Name came out and officially sucked me back in. I’ve been listening to him so much lately. Sigh, ‘Mystery of Love’ is just so beautiful and tragic. I’m going through this weird period right now, and he’s pretty much helping me get through it. I guess that’s what Sufjan is for…helping people cope. The difference with his music is that even though it can be sad, there’s still this hope in it. It has this way of making you feel alive even during the most difficult of times.

He’s having this amazing moment right now. He performed at the Oscars and is finally getting the recognition he deserves…just like Elliott did during his performance in 1998 for Goodwill Hunting 💔

I’m glad I can finally listen to him without thinking of NYC or that guy or that heartbreak and betrayal I felt at the time. I’m glad I can make his music mine again.

Sufjan, I never got to see you live. New York wasn’t meant to be, but we will meet one day…I promise ❤️