Music Monday:

Vance Joy’s new album, Nation of Two. He’s coming to Berkeley in April and I’m dying to go.

I have a very soft spot for his first album, but this one is pretty on par. It sounds a lot more gloomy though… or maybe it’s just because I’m listening to it on a rainy day? Whatever it is, I’m in love with it…

Also, Asleep by The Smiths. I took a break from this song for over a year now I think. Have not listened to it since 2016. It came on while I was driving, and God, I’ve missed it so much. I really want to learn how to play this on the piano. It’s so beautiful. This will always be my song. It’s my lullaby…

Movie Monday:

Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind

P.S. It is crazy what a little snow can do to me. I basically ran outside screaming like a child at Disneyland earlier. It’s so magical lol!

I’d say you’d make a perfect…angel in the snow…

Sigh, is anyone else feeling really beat up at the moment? Things feel really rough right now. I now keep thinking that last year was a fluke. 2018 has just been so difficult.

What’s funny, is that this blog started out as this whole mental health thing…talking about depression, anxiety, and coping. Getting through life and building this little community for myself of people who think and feel the same way I do. I’m finding that it is so difficult to write about these things now…let alone talk about it with people I know.

I’ve been very level headed this past year. But there are moments like today where my inner Sylvia comes out and I don’t know what to do with myself other than stare out into space.

One of the things I’m also realizing, is that when you feel this way, you really start missing people. And what makes it really sad, is that it’s usually the people you can’t talk to anymore. The ones you’re not allowed to reach out to…

Another thing I’m slowly learning when it comes to this…is that it’s okay to think about things from long ago. People, things that happened to you, things you’ve experienced…the good, the bad, and the ugly. Don’t beat yourself up for having days when you swim in it (which is what is happening at the moment). Just make sure you don’t drown.

As a wise person once said, “there’s no such thing as a long time ago. There are only memories that mean something, and memories that don’t…”

Great, I feel an Elliott phase coming…

I’m not a selfie person, but here goes my obligatory sad girl picture. Wearing my NASA shirt because I’m a “space cadet” today. Also, don’t mind my smudged lipstick. Sorry…

I have to say, it is extremely inspiring seeing the students from the Florida school shooting band together and advocate for gun control and new legislation. I’m so amazed by how eloquently they speak and carry themselves on television.

To be honest, I know sooo many people my age who can’t even comprehend let alone grasp basic political discourse. This includes people in my family which I find so sad. Not to hate…but the term “fake woke” applies to soooo many people that I know. Don’t just agree or wear a tshirt that has ‘social justice’ slogans or retweet an idea…do something that can actually make a difference.

Vote…not just every four years during a Presidential election, but every year when important issues are on the ballot. Vote for people who think the same way you do! Sign a petition, volunteer in your community, attend a rally and mobilize, and if you have the means to do so, donate to a cause you support. Working for several nonprofits…a little goes such a long way.

But watching these teenagers, I have so much hope for the future. I love how I can talk to my sisters kids about this and they actually have valid and educated opinions. Also, Emma Gonzalez, you’re my hero! Future President! Ferreal though, this next generation is gonna change the world. And for the heartless people attacking these kids and calling them “crisis actors”…


With all of the debates I’ve been getting into this week, I think I should clarify. We don’t want to take away your second amendment rights. We want a ban on assault rifles! I honestly don’t understand why someone would need semi automatic guns and military like weapons.

As Mindy Kaling tweeted, are you afraid that hundreds of deer are going to attack you when you go hunting? Seriously, why do you need something that sprays that many bullets in a minute? Someone enlighten me…

Update 2:

That Trump White House talk this morning was sooo wack! They spoke about militarizing schools, arming teachers and frickin random staff like janitors. What kind of world is this? I respect and sympathize with the students that were there, but that is not the way.

But…that town hall meeting hours later was incredible! These kids and parents roasted the shit out of Marco Rubio, Dana Loesch, and the NRA! I cannot even imagine standing up to a Senator like that at age 17. Cameron Kasky, you’re an inspiration. I am so proud of them. This issue is not going away like it did after Sandy Hook, the Aurora shooting, and the Vegas massacre. It’s a movement. They may be kids, but millions of us have their back.

So, warning, this post might contain spoilers. And it’s a little lengthy but means a lot, so bear with me…

I saw Black Panther last night and yes, the hype is real. It was what I expected and more. Definitely the best Marvel film to come out…dethroning my number one…Spider-Man. Tom Holland, you are still the love of my life…don’t worry lol.

Anyway, I’ve been so hyped for this movie ever since the first trailer dropped a few months ago. As I’m sure you are aware of by now, my family and I go nuts over Marvel. I’ve collected comic book cards since I was a kid, would wake up early Saturday mornings to watch X-Men on tv, and would steal my brothers toys so that my Barbies could have superhero boyfriends. We are a nerd herd. Luckily, most of my friends are too.

With that said, I knew I’d be fangirling all night, but I did not expect to get as sad and emotional as I did over certain scenes.

A little backstory on me…I was born in Hayward which is in the East Bay and grew up in a working class neighborhood. Being a 90’s kid, I want to say my generation was the last when it came to playing outside all day with your friends and not coming inside until it got dark and the lamp posts lit up. There were no electronics and the love of my life was my bike.

I grew up with the kids in my neighborhood and basically owned the “Palma Ceia” area. PC was the elementary school we all went to, and believe me, all the kids were pretty tight knit.

There was a specific trio that I’ll forever remember. We were in a lot of the same classes in elementary school and these three boys were inseparable. I was really cool with them, and yes, being the trouble maker I was in the sixth grade, I was suspended for fighting haha. And of course, these kids always had my back. Anytime I think of those PC days of careless childhood and running around our neighborhood, they always come to mind with the rest of them. Of course, once we got to junior high and high school, everyone pretty much went on to their own cliques, but these three were still inseparable.

I guess what this has to do with Black Panther…is that the director, Ryan Coogler is from the Bay Area and shot a lot of scenes in Oakland. His muse and partner in crime has always been Michael B. Jordan, and the both of them have become pretty synonymous with Bay Area culture.

There’s a scene where Michael B. Jordan’s character makes a comment saying…”what good is a kid from Oakland, running around believing in fairytales..” It choked me up.

If you’re not familiar with the directors work, he filmed the movie, Fruitvale Station with Michael B. Jordan playing the lead…as Oscar Grant. The kid that was murdered by BART police on New Years Day almost a decade ago. The line immediately brought me back to the Bay Area, that tragedy, and Michael B. Jordan in his black hoodie portraying a real life person. It made my chest hurt a little.

There are two versions of Oscar Grant that I know. The one that has his face splashed all over Oakland representing police brutality and being a part of this social justice movement. The one the media portrays. The one that’s sung about in Beyoncé and Jay-Z songs whose name represents injustice and is known throughout the whole country…world even. Believe me, I was in London when it happened and would watch reports about it on BBC News.

Then…there’s the second version. The little boy who went to Palma Ceia, ran around Hayward with his two best friends, giving our teachers a hard time…pulling pranks and making everyone in class laugh.

What’s sad, is that after he died, those two other boys, John and Kris…were also killed a few years later. They were fathers that left behind kids of their own, who now grow up in the same area we did.

What’s funny is that all those years after elementary school, the words ‘Palma Ceia Boys’ were engraved on their headstones. It’s been several years since those days of childhood and their untimely deaths but once in awhile…mostly during anniversary dates, pictures of them wearing their Palma Ceia Panther tshirts at age ten will pop up on my Facebook newsfeed (yes, coincidentally our school mascot was the Panther).

I’ve lived around the world, from city to city and always get labeled as this “hipster indie chick.” But I’ll forever be a Hayward girl at heart. Those three are gone…but watching films like this, take me back to those days.

So, if you see Black Panther, it is more than just a Marvel Superhero blockbuster. As Michael B. Jordan has said in interviews….”it’s more than a movie, it’s a movement.” This film means so much to so many different people. The black community, POC’s, the East Bay folks to every nerd out there and kid that needs a hero that looks like them.

I guess I just want to thank Ryan Coogler in a way. For portraying an old friend in a different light and really putting a spotlight on the struggle. And for the record, I identified more with the villain than I did the hero. Killmonger, I will be your queen and we could change the world! Haha Wakanda forever! PC forever!

I thought I’d share this song I unearthed today. It’s my favorite artist, Elliott Smith covering my favorite John Lennon song… ‘Jealous Guy.’

It’s the first time I’ve ever heard this. And if I’m being completely honest, it made me tear up. A cover hasn’t moved me like that in a very long time. It’s beautiful…

Is anyone else in awe of the whole SpaceX launch? I don’t know how I feel about Elon Musk but wow (his politics suck! And dude supported Trump! Also, I never understood people who claim to be socially liberal but fiscally conservative which he says he is. That is unrealistic, otherwise EVERYONE would take that stance. Anyway, I digress). My sister calls him the real life Tony Stark which is pretty accurate.

I always get chills with space launches and new discoveries. I don’t know if he’ll really be able to send people to Mars in my lifetime, but that would be so amazing to witness. If not me, I’m hoping in my nieces and nephews lifetime. I doubted him when the whole SpaceX campaign started, but yikes, it is very believable now.

I remember watching JGL interview Elon on HitRECord a few years ago and thinking he was totally full of shit. Then reading this NASA article basically debunking everything SpaceX was trying to do. But man, I am kinda rooting for them now. I salute you guys!

Anyway…what makes all of this even more emotional, is that Space Oddity by David Bowie will be playing on a loop on the spacecraft. For eternity or however many billion years the Falcon Heavy stays in space. How fucking cool is that?

Got me just a bit emotional. That song means a lot to me. Sigh, Bowie forever…

“And I’m floating in the most peculiar way. And the stars look very different today…”

Call Me By Your Name…

I saw this film a few days ago, and I still can’t seem to get it out of my head. As much as I loved it, I don’t think I would see it again. It’s left a lasting impression, and I’m gonna leave it at that. And honestly, it’s not for everyone. It’s essentially about two guys, with a big age gap, that pretty much fall in love with each other over the course of a summer. One of the guys is an American visiting Italy. Yeah, falling in love in another country sounds appealing…but trust me…the inevitable goodbye is brutal.

The pacing was really slow at times, but for some reason, their facial expressions hit me the most. If you’ve been in a situation similar to theirs, which I have, you look at their faces and feel those same feelings all over again. You know what it’s like.

It’s the sadness of knowing you’re gonna lose someone. That happiness and excitement of being with them and trying to make every moment you’re together count, but also being extremely sad because you know it’s not going to last.  The film left me feeling very nostalgic. Nostalgic for Italy and Europe…and nostalgic for someone in London.

This entry is gonna be a little on the soft side. I don’t always talk about love, but what can you do, this film really evokes that side of you. Looking back at past relationships and situations, I don’t know if I believe in that “one true love.” What I do believe…is that every love is different. I can’t say I know exactly what love is, but I feel like I have felt it…a few times. And for every person I have been in love with…they have all carried a different weight. A different feeling.

Whatever relationship you’re in at the moment, or the ones you’ve had in the past…for some…there is always that one that stands out the most. The one that changed you forever. Some may call it “the one that got away,” but I don’t necessarily think that’s true. Whether it was weeks, months, or years…that love was meant to happen. And it lasted for as long as it was meant to last. However painful the breakup was…it served its purpose.

When I look back, the person I think about and the situation we were in played out almost the same way as the characters in the film. Everything from the initial butterflies, to the intensity, to falling in love in another country…knowing that there’s an expiration date because someone has to eventually leave. It’s all pretty sad. Because it feels like it’s out of your hands. The thing that breaks the two of you isn’t fighting or cheating or outgrowing each other…it’s the ocean and the continents. It’s the time zones, the miles, the separate lives.

That’s what this film captured. That longing and sadness knowing that it’s going to end. I saw myself so much in Timothee Chalamet’s character. His facial expressions and gestures…the way he looks at Armie Hammers character. And fuck, just that train scene and the heartbreak on his face.

It is always the train! I am telling you…the train is the saddest way to say goodbye. Screw airplanes and cars…it is the train. If you’ve ever seen the film, Before Sunrise…it’s the train. Radiohead even feels the same sentiment… “I get on the train and I just stand about now that I don’t think of you. I keep falling over I keep passing out…when I see a face like you.” Don’t ever say goodbye at a train station.

Anyway, just thinking about it…when you watch movies or read books about similar relationships and loves…the characters usually don’t know where the other one ends up as the years pass. But with this guy, being connected through social media, I know exactly where he is.

For those of you who don’t know how WordPress works, you don’t know who views your site. The only information you get is what country the reader is viewing it from. 80% of my views come from the U.S. of course. Then there’s the 19% that come from the UK and Europe, old friends from my time abroad.

But then there’s that 1% that I’ll get from time to time. From A country that’s halfway around the world. He’s the only person I know who lives there and even though I’ll never ever know for certain…I like to think it’s him checking up on me. I know it’s dumb, but anytime that little flag pops up, I still get nervous.

But to be honest…I don’t think I would ever want to see him again. It was another life and I would hate to ruin any memory I have of him. I’m sure we are two completely different people from who we were all those years ago. I want to always remember what we had as the way it was. This beautiful and deep thing that only happens when the stars align.

I’ve loved other guys after him. But none of them were ever quite the same. They weren’t better or worse…just not the same. He was what I needed during that time in my life and it really did change me. Elio and Oliver will always have Italy. He and I…we’ll always have London.

And God…I hate to even bring that other one up…but man, I couldn’t help but laugh. These two characters have a pretty big age gap. And of course, what they have is forbidden. So, they’re secretive and paranoid that they’ll get caught. Of course…I couldn’t help but think of you know who. It was pretty funny. I had total flashbacks of me hiding in the bathroom…constantly lying to everyone, being paranoid someone would see us together. Oh, the joys of dating someone way older/younger than you.

Anyway, I hope Timothee Chalamet wins Best Actor for this. Even though he most likely won’t…he was phenomenal. And if you’re planning on seeing it…you might want to read the synopsis and the warnings before doing so. It is not for everyone. However, if you’re wanting to watch something with a similar sentiment, definitely check out Like Crazy or Before Sunrise. Two very good movies. Sigh…

“I guess when you are young, you believe that you will meet many people with whom you’ll connect with, but later in life you realize it only happens a few times.” -Celine, Before Sunset

P.S. Why am I so homesick for NYC? I miss being in a city that can swallow me whole. It feels like New York is calling me. Missing the UK as usual too. I need to cross the ocean soon…